What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 03.07.2025 00:25
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I will be 64.
Ive learnt so much.
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But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
How do you view men and women who cheat?
On the 31st of Jan this month .
So whats the point in blame.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
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And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
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When she asked me how she looked .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
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I have no regrets .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
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One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Why don't men find fat women attractive?
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
How can couples reverse the buildup of resentment once they notice it?
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
My life is so biszare .
I never cut or harmed myself..
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Would this be the day?
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
What was your worst experience while living with roommates?
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
We were not on the streets..
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
She loved him until the end.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I don,t even have a pension.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He knew the spot.
I was 9 years of age.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But it wasn’t much.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Comes on , in middle age.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I was scared of men, in general
She was in good health!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I could never make a relationship work though!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He resisted the act ,that day.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I couldn’t, believe it.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I think the readers, may guess!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
All the time i was locked up.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
And i lived it daily.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
It was going to be , some day.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
What did i know ?
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
And who doesn’t know suffering?
She married twice! .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Was to survive, this bastard.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
One cannot live in the past .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I was very sick at this time too.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
My family never makes their pension either.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I was seconnd youngest,
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Who then, do I blame.?
(And it was in our own minds.)
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Put me off passion for life!!
Why did i forgive my father ?
But, we were locked up after school.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She wouldn,t have been !
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She found it foreign!.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
As i do to all so called friends.?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I said to her
But ive been too sick for many years..
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
This is soul school!.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Especially a lifetime of it.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
So, i spoilt her more .
Im still living with it.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I waited trembling.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I did it because my mum asked me too!
We all went to grammer schools
I write beautiful poetry .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.